


Nothing Less Than Death

by fakfakfox



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, Self Harm, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7044955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fakfakfox/pseuds/fakfakfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin grew up knowing that he didn’t deserve to be growing anywhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Less Than Death

**Author's Note:**

> For mevv618‘s tumblr prompt which included: Remus’ parents treat him badly for being a werewolf, Remus self harms, Sirius comforts Remus, Sirius reacts badly to finding out Remus is a werewolf, Remus hurts himself very badly, Remus and sirius end up together, James being oblivious.
> 
> I think I got most of it in! Tw:self harm, Tw:attempted suicide

1.

Remus Lupin’s father was a man of principle, that’s what he told himself when he spoke out about the werewolf population. “Nothing less than death” he’d said time and again, when asked about what the creatures were owed by society.

A man of priciple isn’t swayed by sentimentality in the face of cold, hard fact. A werewolf didn’t deserve life because it had taken over the body that used to belong to your baby boy, your son. A werewolf didn’t deserve to be treated as human just because its mother wept as though it already was.

Remus Lupin grew up knowing that he didn’t deserve to be growing anywhere. He couldn’t remember how old he was when he began to willingly hurt himself. He was never told to stop.

2.

When you’re an eleven year old boy and you’re on a massive train bearing you away to a magical school; you find yourself inexplicably vibrating with excitement. When you’re an eleven year old abomination, crammed in amongst more children than you’d ever known existed, you feel queasy and frightened.

Sirius Black was wearing a pair of incredibly uncomfortable dress-shoes. His mother had insisted that all of the ‘right sort of boys’ at Hogwarts would be wearing similar items on their own feet. There were apparently zero right-sort-of-shoe-wearing-boys at Hogwarts. Some skinny git in glasses had had the gall to actually laugh at him and enquire if his shoes were kept that shiny so that he might gaze at his reflection as he walked.

Remus Lupin was curled up in the corner of the only empty compartment he’d been able to find. He had his eyes squeezed shut and his firsts clamped together, so tightly that his too-long fingernails stabbed into the soft flesh of his palms. The compartment door slid open and Remus was up in a shot. The room spun around him as he tried to stay on his feet amid the waves of panic that washed over him. His stomach jolted with the movement of the train.

….

Sirius Black stared down at his sick-covered shoes and then up to the pale, shaking boy in front of him. The boy slumped back to the floor. Sirius slid the door closed and turned his attention back to his ruined footwear.

“This is fantastically expensive stuff, you know. No scourigify is ever going to make them wearable again. My mother told me not to even get them wet”

Sirius thoughtfully regarded the nervous creature in from of him before he spoke again

“This is brilliant! Do you have any idea? I’m going to get myself some trainers.

I really do think we have to be friends now, you know.”

3.

Sometimes, when Remus Lupin is in a particular kind of mood, things do not body well for the body he hates so much. His expression becomes pinched and his eyes aquire a haunted look. If you spend your time watching him, looking for ways to stop the burn marks apearing on his arms, you begin to recognise the signs.

“REMUS!”, Sirius declared loudly as he threw himself into the Gryffindor common room. “We need you desperately! James has only gone and got his head transfigured into a giant beachball. It’s a Marauders emergency. Pete’s been trying to de-ballify him but so far all he’s managed is to turn him from a sunshine yellow to a cheeky pink.”

Despite Remus’ best efforts, a small smirk began to pull at his lips.

“Potter’s head beachball sized? A welcome reduction, surely?” Lilly whispered conspiratorially. She giggled as he raised his eyebrow at her and Remus felt the tendrils crushing mind loosen slightly.

“Alright”, he said. “Lead on Sirius”

Three hours later, his feet aching from running around the castle in a bid to avoid a variety of teachers, ghosts and one particularly nosey cat, Remus sank down into his bed. The dangerous mood which had consumed him earlier in the day had not entirely faded but he was too tired to do anything about it. Besides, if all he was ever good for was de-ballifying a 13 year old idiot then that was still pretty damn brilliant.

“Sirius?”, James Potter’s over-loud whisper cut clumsily through the silence of the dormroom. “I still don’t get why you wanted to turn my head into a b-”

“Shhh, you idiot. I just needed to, alright? It was important”

“Like that time you had to glue my hands to Peter’s bum and we were stuck like that until Remus- “

“Yes”

“And that time you jinxed my knees to serena-”

“Yes”

“Fair enough mate”, James said, appeased.

The room fell into silence and four boys dozed contentedly, dreaming of pranks, chocolate and all things wonderful.

4.

The problem with having a friend who watches you closely if that one day they may find out something they wish they hadn’t.. something horrible that they will never ever be able to forget.

Sirius didn’t mean to pull away from Remus when he found out where he went once a month. He didn’t mean to stop meeting the other boys eyes. He didn’t mean to stop intervening when he saw Remus’ mood sliding southwards. He didn’t mean to do any of those things but that doesn’t mean he didn’t do all of them.

5.

It was Filch who found Remus’ body, motionless, in a pool of blood. Without the use of magic he’d had to carry carried the boy all the way to the hospital wing.

Somehow that made it even worse. Argus Filch, sworn enemy of the Marauders had put his back out saving Remus Lupin’s life. Sirius could hardly breathe when he thought about it. His lungs seemed to have shrunk to a third of their normal size as the guilt and misery squeezed at his ribcage and pummelled his chest.

He’d had to explain to the others why Remus might have wanted to take his life.  
Sitting in blankets, huddled around a pile of werewolf books on James’ bed, they’d all agreed on one thing: It didn’t matter. Remus was one of them.

James didn’t tell Sirius that it wasn’t his fault but he did let him borrow the invisilbity cloak in order to spend the nights curled up next to Remus’ motionless body.

Remus’ parents did not visit.

6.

When Remus woke up there were pale faces above him with shakey smiles and kind eyes.

After what seemed like endless number of days, full of gobstones and exploding snap, Remus was finally allowed to leave the hospital wing.

The marauders each had their own ways of playing nursemaid. Peter grinned wildly at the werewolf whenever he was within a five meter radius, perhaps in the hope that he could will good cheer across from himself to the other boy. James was an ever-present fixture at Remus’ side. He walked him to and from the therapwitch meetings and had taken to hanging around the toilets whenever Remus felt the call of nature. Thankfully, the latter behaviour had tailed off slightly after a breif and awkward chat about boundaries. And Sirius..

Sirius was the same as ever. Whatever had clicked out of place in his mind when he’d discovered the truth about his friend seemed to have fallen solidly back. He supplied a continous parade of distracting pranks and ridiculous situations. Perhaps he was trying too hard, perhaps they all were but, sitting on his chocolate covered bed as Sirius wheeled in a particularly distraught looking wheelbarrow (with inexplicably messy hair), Remus couldn’t quite bring himself to care. Never in his wildest dreams had he had friends so true.

It was unfathomable to him that the Marauders could love him inspite of who he was, in spite of what he was. Love him they did, however and slowly but surely the realness of their belief in him began to sink in.

Gradually, so gently that he hardly noticed it happening, Remus’ need to hurt himself began to slip away.

7.

The problem with having a friend who watches you closely is that one day you’re going to begin watching them closely back, and when you do you’re going to like what you see a little too much. Well, not always. In this case though, that’s exactly what happened to Remus Lupin.

To be 17 and in love is a troublesome thing indeed. The rawness of emotion mixed with the clumsiness of youth can lead to some hideously cringeworthy moments. For example, even if you’re well known for your unflappability, even if you’ve years of practice at controlling your emotional responses around other people, you might still find yourself flushing a bright, tomato red when the love of your young life ruffles your hair. This can be especially annoying if the love of your young life is also your very best friend in the whole world.

Remus didn’t mean to pull away from Sirius. He didn’t mean to stop meeting those strange, silver eyes. He didn’t mean to stop following him willingly into pranks and certain trouble. He didn’t mean to do any of those things which of course means..

he did all of them.

8.

It was James Potter’s 18th birthday and he was very, very drunk. So drunk that he’d thought it was a good idea to challenge a werewolf to a drinking competition.

“James, you know my being a werewolf doesn’t actually up my alcohol tolerance? I’m only less drunk that you because I was less drunk to begin with.”

“Shurrup R’mus”

Sirius glanced across at the relatively sober werewolf and smiled slowly. Even in a none too sober state Remus was gorgeous. His touseled, tawny hair cascaded around his elflin face. In the light of th 50 or so candles (a testament to Peter’s over zealous decorating) he looked positively ethereal. He flicked his eyes up suddenly and caught Sirius staring.

Sirius held his breath and waited for Remus to flush and look away.

Maybe it was the candles; maybe it was the cheap mead of dubious origin; maybe it was the fact that this had been going on for so long. Too long.

Remus didn’t look away. He rose slowly and kept his eyes fastened to Sirius’. Sirius found his own face growing pink as his friend began to stalk towards him with a confidence that was so incredibly un-remus-like.

“Moony?”, Sirius breathed as his friend drew closer and closer.  
“I..” Sirius dropped an inexplicably trembling arm to his side, realising too late that the arm had, up until that point, been holding his drinking glass aloft.  
Dark red liquid splashed out over Remus and soaked quickly into his white tshirt and faded denim jeans.

Sirius gazed on, aghast, as a confusingly unpertuebed Remus licked mead from his wrist.

“Mmm”, Remus hummed, oblivious to the damage he was doing to his friend’s frontal lobe. “You know, these are fantastically expensive clothes. No scourigify is ever going to make wearable again.” He gestured down at his threadbare garnments and smiled kindly at Sirius’ flabergasted expression.”

“ I really do think”, Continued Remus as he stepped even closer. “We’re probably a bit more than friends”.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt me on Tumblr :)  
> http://prompt-me-silly.tumblr.com/


End file.
